Sunday, February 6, 2011

It was a Dark and Stormy Blogfest Contest - My First Line

“We’re moving where?” I stand up from the couch hoping my six foot frame shouts adulthood, but my head spins out of control.


Anonymous said...

I love that you started with a quote. sounds very much like something a teen would say!

But the next part, "...hoping my 6 foot frame shouts adulthood..." doesn't ring as true to me. Is the MC really thinking that about his 6ft frame? Or is the info there just for the reader?

Anonymous said...

This reads to me as two sentences. A quick fix - “We’re moving where?” I say, standing up from the couch hoping my six foot frame shouts adulthood, but my head spins out of control

I don't mind the 6ft frame part. The character wants to feel big (physically and emotionally) in this situation. For me, it helps add voice and character.

Elaine AM Smith said...

“We’re moving where?” is the hook
Good luck. :)

A.L. Sonnichsen said...

Yay, MaDonna! I'm so glad you're doing the blogfest too! :)

Your line gives a lot of information, which is great. My first thought, though, was that he was feeling sick (combination of couch and spinning head), but then I thought about it some more and realized maybe you just meant head-spinning figuratively, like, he's blown away by the idea of moving.

I do think a lot of boys are obsessed with their height. I know my brother was. So, I found the fact that this was part of his initial reaction pretty cute - and relateable.

Good luck with the contest, my friend!


Cheree said...

Good opener. I'm wondering whether the character is sick or something. I agree with Kate that it should be "I say" before the action.

MaDonna Maurer said...

This is so fun and scary at the same time. Newbie, can you tell?
Thanks all for the comments and helps. I'm headed over your way...sure hope I can help and encourage as much as you all have.

Kelly Bryson said...

“We’re moving where?” I stand up from the couch hoping my six foot frame shouts adulthood, but my head spins out of control.

Where are they moving? I wonder if it would work to say "We're moving to _____?" because then you're giving the reader more info. The head spinning sounds too literal- maybe clarify that his head seemed to spin?

Thanks for the comment on my blog:)

Margo Kelly said...

I agree with Kate & Kelly. :-) It has potential!

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

My head spins out of control as I get up off the couch.

"We're moving where?"

I think the part about the six foot frame is a good detail and it gives you a visual of the kiddo, but it doesn't sound like something a teenager would say...

Best wishes on your entry!

MaDonna Maurer said...

Thanks again everybody!
I'm going to change it up a bit with "We're moving where? I say, standing up from the couch hoping my six foot frame shouts adulthood."

I decided to leave out the whole head spinning bit...that can go in the second sentence and makes more sense that he not literally getting sick. Also, just for your curiosity...the MC's step dad just got promoted to a manager's position in China. So, they are moving in two months.

Loralie Hall said...

I find it a little funny that the MC is thinking about his size right now unless he's hoping it will intimidate whomever he's talking to. That's not clear here. But I love the opening dialogue. That's a great hook.

Morgan Lee said...

Hi there-- I like your line but check where you posted it on Brenda's site. You made a mistake and posted the last set of quotations in the wrong place. Here, I see it is correct. Maybe delete your post and repost while you still have time. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Funny and completely perfect for the genre. Great idea to start with dialogue and putting the reader right into a conflict.

Linda Gray said...

Excellent first sentence for teens--who among them wouldn't respond like that to such a life altering fact? I liked the tweaks others suggested for the second sentence.

MaDonna Maurer said...

@Loralie, yes it is an attempt to intimidate in a teen way towards the parents.

@Morgan, I'm indebted to you! Thanks a bunch and got it fixed.

Thanks to the others for all the suggestions and encouraging words. Good luck to you all!

Adeeva Afsheen said...

Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life and mind become more severe. Enjoy the rhythm of the problems faced. No matter ga life, not a problem not learn, so enjoy it :)

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